For me, it happened in the fall of 2008 and again in the winter of 2009. I had two family members pass away within a matter of a few months – one was a cousin and the other an uncle. Both were unexpected and both were extremely difficult for me to handle. It was ironic because there was a time in college when I actually thought that the death of friends and family wouldn’t bother me. “It’s just as natural as being born” I would say. It’s not as natural as being born – it’s very, very different. Even as I type these words, I still feel a tension in my body… an unsettling in my stomach.
I had experienced death before as a child with great grandparents, distant relatives, and friends of the family, but this time it was different. This time it shook the foundations of my faith and what I thought I felt about life. As time passed, the thoughts of what had occurred that fall and the following winter began to take root in my mind. I soon began to develop anxiety accompanied by panic attacks. My life slowly became a prisoner to fear – the people and places with which I was comfortable grew smaller and smaller. My world slowly began to shrink and thus, I found myself in the midst of depression. I was completely lost and my faith was left in shambles.
Heart pounding, paralyzing fear is hard to describe. In my mind it looks like the ocean. Actually, it looks like the ocean at night in the midst of a storm. It’s deep and dark, a cold blue-gray hue. The waves are immense and powerful…relentless. The horizon disappears into the night sky, compounding the vast darkness – it’s inescapable and overwhelming. For me it’s a picture, at times vividly alive in the depths of my soul, but for the disciples it was a very real experience.
Mark 4:35-41 tells the account of Jesus calming the storm. Most of us know this story and I had heard it several times myself. Briefly stated, one evening after Jesus was finished teaching at the shore of the Sea of Galilee , He ordered the disciples to ready the boats so that they could cross the sea. After the boats were readied, they began to cross the sea and a windstorm blew in. The waves crashed against the boat, threatening to capsize it and all the while Jesus lay sleeping on a cushion at the stern of the boat. In their panic and fear, the disciples woke Jesus and asked “Teacher, do you not care that we are perishing?” At this, Jesus awoke and rebuked the sea and said “Peace! Be still!” and the waves calmed and the wind ceased. Jesus then said to them “Why are you so afraid? Have you still no faith?” and the disciples were filled with fear as they had surely witnessed the Divine, whom the laws of nature surrendered to.
The odd thing is, the analogy I used for the way I picture fear is how I’ve felt for some time now, but I never connected the two accounts in my head until a few days ago. What hit me the hardest in rereading this story was when Jesus asked “Why are you so afraid? Have you still no faith?” The disciples, despite the fact that they were in the presence of Jesus were still afraid of perishing. In their fear, they were even driven to the point of questioning, “Teacher, do you not care that we are perishing?” Is that what my fear really reveals – that my faith is small and I feel that God has forsaken me? It’s not as though the disciples were better off than I being in the presence of Jesus, because Jesus Himself says that I am indwelt with the Holy Spirit which is greater than having Him by my side.
At this point, I must stop and recollect all that He has brought me through thus far. When I was 3, I walked across four lanes of traffic from the barbershop to my house by myself – made it home just fine. In high school and college I drove home countless times while extremely intoxicated…never an accident. In the summer of 2010, my wife and I were in a serious car wreck, both rear-ended and broadsided while we were at a stand still by vehicles traveling 60 mph – we both walked away with nothing but a few scratches. It would be a hard stretch to say that God has forsaken me, so why am I still afraid? Where is my faith?
James 1:2-4 says “Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.” The truth is I have not been forsaken by God, but I am also not complete in my faith and sanctification. However, a loving God does not simply make my life easier so that my happiness and comfort is secure, but rather He puts me through the trials of life which will render my faith genuine so that my salvation is assured. The result, as my study Bible says, is “…steadfastness, a life of faithful endurance amid troubles and afflictions.” This leads me ultimately to a growing perfection in my sanctification that will be fully realized on the day my Savior returns. I’m filled with joy just at the thought of it.
I still am very much in the midst of my struggle with anxiety. In fact, I am on medication to help keep it under control and I visit with a Christian counselor every other week to encourage and strengthen myself in Biblical truth. I say that for anyone out there who is struggling with something like this. It’s not abnormal, you’re not different. It is life and life is not always easy. Neither is the life of a believer any more easy than the life of a non-believer, however, there is a God whom is sovereign and “we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to His purpose.” – Romans 8:28. What may appear like mountains to us are only light and momentary afflictions in the grand scheme of eternity – ones that God will use to draw His chosen closer to Him and ultimately to glorify Himself. We must rest assured that in God’s purpose being fulfilled, He will be glorified in the salvation, justification, and sanctification of His elect no matter what the trials or circumstances may be. As Christians, we should not pretend everything is fine, but rather encourage one another in our faith and dependency on God. So, pray for me, my brothers and sisters, as I move through this season in my life, that God would calm the storms within and I will do the same for you.
“I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.” – John 16:33.
